Saturday, May 27, 2006

When I walked towards the nursery, I was so anxious to see the little girl, anxious to hold her, but if I would take my steps just a tad faster, I remember running out of breath, like I couldn't get air into my lung.

When I first saw little Rachel, she had rashes all over her little face, wrapped up in towel sleeping comfortably. I didn't get to carry her until later, and the first time I have her in my arms, it felt weird. Somehow, there's a part of me which says, is this really my daughter?? I gave birth to her! It's just unbelievable. However, when it was time to try to breastfeed, I had a really hard time! :(
She wouldn't latch on, she cries like I was hurting her in some way, and she looks like she's not comfortable in my arms... When the nurses took her away, I was feeling bad, sad, and dissapointed.... I have not have enough time with my little baby, and I don't want her to go away crying! So sad... (On another note, I had a hard time trying to breastfeed. I remember a time a few days after birth, where Rachel was crying non stop, and I was crying too, from hearing her cry of hunger and not being able to get her to latch on correctly, from the pain, from the heartache... *Sob* *sob*)

Everyone was thrilled and excited about the birth of Rachel, everyone wants to hold her, but the nurses forbid it! Mother in law got SO mad with the nurse cuz the nurse pushed her away when she wanted to see her grandkid... Everyone was 'promoted', parents became grandparents, brothers becoming uncle, everyone was all smiles... Everyone gathered to take a peek, to discuss and to carry... That's how little Rachel's existence lighted the families up.

When I was carrying Rachel out of the ward into the car, everyone that was waiting in the outpatient lounges looked on, and I felt proud. Proud to be holding my little baby. When we reached home and she started crying, I panic and didn't know what to do! I didn't know how to feed her, I didn't know that I should check if she poo-ed, it was a total hassle!!!!

However, everything turned out fine, and I pray hard little Rachel will grow up healthy and well.... ;)

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