It's been 4 years as of yesterday.

It seems like just yesterday, but so many things have changed, so many things had happened. To me, it's the most eventful 4 years: I've gotten married, moved into a place of my own (of course it comes together with getting married), experienced pregnancy and is now a mom, but he was not here to see all this. I'm sure he would have looked forward to all of this, not only in my life, but my brothers' too....

When Malaysia celebrates her independence this past 4 years, I'm reminded of the pain and the heartache from the death of my father. He passed away 4 years ago yesterday, of brain infection, a day after we celebrated his 50th birthday.

When I think about the time it happened, it still is fresh, just like yesterday, I remember:

• how I was stunned when he was proclaimed dead
• how calm I was at that time, up until I said the fact out loud myself when I was informing my uncle about 15 minutes after being told of it, when I just couldn't hold back the tears and the emotion
• how I cried and yet have to be strong for my mum
• how my brother broke down and cried in front of me for the first time since maturity
• how I endured all that while having to repeat Dad's death over and over again in the police station to report it
• how I stared at the forms given to me from the hospital proclaiming his death and wish it was not true
  
• how much I hope the doctor was wrong at the time, how much I wish my dad will move his fingers and sit up by himself
• .....

All through the 4 or 5 days of his funeral, I prayed hard that he'll open his eyes. I remember secretly whispering to him the night before they sealed his coffin, this is your last chance to get up!! Silly ain't I?

Yesterday, I thought of him a lot, because he would have loved to be able to spend time with little Rachel. How much I wish he could still be around to see little Rachel, to carry her, to love her like I'm sure he would...

Sometimes in situations like this, I question 'time'. How could 4 years felt so long, yet so short? How could it contain so many events, yet does not wash away the sadness?

Well, I guess everyone moved on, things are never the same, but dad's death thought me to appreciate things more, thought me the importance of spending time with loved ones and how fragile live is...

Tears are building in my eyes as I recall each minute of it, how appreciative I was of a friend that took extra leave just to stick around, how glad I was that hubby was with me at all times. I shouldn't be blogging about something I wish to forget yeah? But maybe my sadness never really mellowed down because I never really wanted to forget about it.....

Labels: Journal